I'm curious...

I'm curious.  Is anyone actually reading this, or am I talking (typing) to myself?
While I have joked that I talk to myself sometimes because I'm the only one that will listen.... It doesn't seem like that much of a joke anymore.  My thoughts and opinions are not even considered, which makes me wonder why some even bother to ask for my opinions and ideas, when they brush them off as soon as I say them, if they even heard me in the first place.
I don't claim to be "The Authority" on any topic, but there are things I know, and what I know I use to guess or form ideas from.  And yet someone I know doesn't know what they are talking about, everyone pays attention to because they say it with such authority.  And the saying "You can argue with a fool" is true more often than not.  Even if I can find proof they are incorrect, they still know better than me.  I don't mind being wrong, IF I actually am, and they can make it a learning experience for me.  But if they rub my face in it, I don't care if they are right or not, if they can't pass on the information in a useful manner, and effectively call me stupid.  Google is wonderful tool, and is usually gives more useful info than those kind of people ever would.  But it seems like people rarely take the time to listen when I try to pass it along to them.
Granted, some of what I say in my blog is me venting, but it's MY blog.  Other people vent on theirs, so I'm not doing anything different. 
So, it begs the question, is anyone reading my blog, and do they find anything of interest?  I'd like like to know.

Linux Desktops

What I'm about to talk about might leave a confused look on some people's faces that are not familiar with linux in the least.  So I'll attempt to lay a little foundation, using windows as a visual comparison.
Under Linux, you don't just have a "Desktop" like you do under windows, which is mostly handled by explorer.exe.  Under linux there is 2 major pieces.  The DE (Desktop Environment), and the WM (Window Manager), and together they make up your "Linux Desktop".
Now possibly you already have an impression of what the 2 pieces do.  Basically DE handles your backgrounds and icons, sometimes some other visual type items.
The WM, as the name suggests, handles your program windows... there size, location, and sometimes special effects when you move the windows.  It effectively goes over the top of the DE, and in some cases with an added program to handle your "taskbar", makes your your desktop.  When all is said and done, you often can't tell were one starts and the other ends.
With that said, there are a number of DE's and WM's, some combine both effectively into one package (Gnome, KDE, and XFCE).  The lighter desktops (LXDE, Openbox, IceWM, and sometimes XFCE again) are sometimes easier to see the DE and WM separation.  LXDE and Openbox are a common combo of DE/WM, and in many cases is my preferred desktop.  It's better for older computers, or for those that like a light, snappy desktop that stays out of the way when you have work to do, and both parts can be customized to your liking.  Sometimes the Openbox WM is run by itself, making an even leaner desktop with no icons cluttering up the screen.  Crunchbang linux for one, is setup like this.  The only real problem is that Openbox does not update the program menus when you install a program, you have to edit the menus yourself.  Once you get the hang of it, it's not hard to do, and there is a graphical menu editor available that helps a great deal.
My next choices for desktops are XFCE, and Gnome.  While KDE does look nice, it's speed and glitches (for my experience anyway) make it seem too much like windows, which linux is not, nor is it meant to be.  XFCE can get kind of bloated if you add a bunch of the plugins and widgets, but clean it is pretty nice.  Gnome version 3.x, they tried to turn the desktop screen into a tablet screen (icons for everything), and seems slower and awkward to use.  If you can stay with Gnome 2, or one of the Gnome 3 projects that make an effort to make it look/feel like Gnome 2, it's pretty nice, and feels enough like windows to be comfortable.  SolusOS is of the nicest examples of this.  The menus resemble that of WindowsXP/Windows7, and is pretty straight forward to navigate.  If you want to try a Linux disrto for the first time, pass on the Ubuntu's, and try out SolusOS.  It's toted as being user-friendly, and they definitely did a good job with it.  It's based on one of the older parent distros, Debian linux, so there is plenty of reference material and community help available if needed.  It will run as LiveCD, so you can try it out without installing anything computer.
There are a number of other WM's out there, most common you will see is probably IceWM (Anti-X linux is a decent example), Fluxbox, Enlightenment, and JWM (what Puppy Linux uses).  These are mostly light jobs, usually used in a bit more specialty distros.  You need some knowledge if you want to change them beyond what the given distro has, as customizing is done by plain text editor.  But if you want to make it the way you want it, one of these is definitely the way to go.

My Linuxes

I've mentioned some of my favorite Linux distributions before.  I've gotten away from PCLinuxOS, mainly because I didn't like them changing things related to package management and updating, and not making such news easy to find on their site.
I'm not a fan of Ubuntu, since they have taken on the attitude that "We don't care about the user base, we are going to do things the way WE want".  The Xubuntu and Lubuntu still look decent, I think partly because they are community supported.  While ubuntu was debian based, they are only debian based on the surface now, and are pretty much there own animal.
I've messed with OpenSUSE, and while I like the look of it, I don't use it enough to be comfortable with it, so I find it clumsy to work with.  The lack of command line commands that I use regularly under debian is a bit irritating as well.  It just didn't click with me.

My preferred linux distros are Crunchbang Linux, and SolusOS, both of which are based on Debian Linux, which I am most familiar and comfortable with. 
SolusOS is toted as a user-friendly distro, and so far that seems to be the case, and I have put it on a computer at church.
Crunchbang is a clean, minimalist desktop linux, in that it doesn't have a desktop for icons, everything is excessable from menus and/or hot keys (using the "windows" key).  It is aimed at the bit more tech savvy, and my dad and I both prefer it.  I have even "remastered" it to my own preferences, removing programs I don't use, adding stuff I do use, and making minor tweaks to the way it looks.  I have my remastered Crunchbang on a thumb drive I carry around with me, making it easy for me to walk up to a computer, plug it in and use it, and not care or worry about what is on the computer.  It's basically a Live CD on my usb drive.
I've messed with a number of Linux Distros over the years, mostly as LiveCDs, which I nice for test driving.  I keep falling back to the tried and true Debian based distros. 
For my "Tool box", Parted Magic, Ultimate Boot CD (UBCD), and on occasion Puppy Linux.  Parted Magic is kind of a play on words of the old Norton Partition Magic, and provides drive partitioning tools, cloning/imaging tools.  It has a handful of other useful utilities, and is helpful for rescuing files when windows dies, all from a LiveCD.
UBCD is not linux, but a LiveCD or diagnostics tools and other utilities.  It can test harddrives, memory, video cards, reset windows passwords, give hardware info, etc.  It is for the tech savvy, and you need to know what you are doing, or it won't mean anything to you.
Puppy Linux is a LiveCD linux that is kind of different.  In terms of looks, it resembles windows95/98, and is made to run on older computers, down to Pentium classic & Pentuim2 computers.  Some people like to use it as a base to make there own linux.  It lacks the package availability of the bigger distros, but has most of the common programs you would use on a daily basis, and can bring an old computer back to useful life, even if it's just to check email, simple word-processing, etc.  Works well of a usb thumb drive as well, and is pretty snappy.
I use Linux Live USB Creator (LiLi), or Unetbootin to put and cd iso on a thumb drive.  95% of the time one or the other will work, occasionally there is a different method needed for a specific distro to get in on a thumb drive, but they are few and fare between.  Usually they make a "hybrid" ISO that will burn to cd or go on a thumb drive.

Been thinking...

I've been thinking (which sometimes I wonder if I do too much of).  Having something of a logical mind, I've been re-evaluating my past relationship experience.  I don't like the conclusions I've come to, and I would like nothing more than to have a woman (only need one), to prove me wrong.
What I've come to is, the nice women are all committed already, and what is left are the self-centered, judgmental types that live in an imaginary world, where only "Ken" (perfect guy) exists for "Barbie" (herself).  And since I'm not "Ken" (I'm not tall, well off, etc), I do not exist.  And if I present myself, I'm either ignored, or judged (poorly at that) and effectively told to go to hell.  These are the "Nice christian" women mind you.  Don't dare judge them, but it's ok for them to do it.
The only women left after that are... well, there favorite place is probably the couch with plenty of food.  Sorry, but I want someone I can do outdoorsy stuff with.  I like an evening movie too, but I don't want to live there.  I should loose a few pounds as it is.
Anyway, yeah, I'm sick of trying, some days I about ready to say "F* this", and just admit I will never find my "other half".  I had someone tell me once there are plenty of women that like shorter guys.
My thought was "Really?  Where are they, are any of them cute?" lololol
See, no one else probably would like my conclusions, much less my situation.  As I said, I would like to have a woman find me (I obviously can't pick them), that likes the outdoors, intelligent, has morals, christian, yada-yada... I just don't see it happening.  I'm not a people person, I'm not good at approaching a woman (scares me to death actually).  I'm not stupid, I have ethics/morals, and I honestly don't think I'm bad looking... I never had a problem with my height, till women started making a deal breaker of it.
Me finding the right woman looks to be in the "Miracle" neighborhood of possibility.

Reactions

Since when is it justified to hurt another person because you have been hurt yourself?  Two wrongs don't make a right, and it fixes nothing.  It has no good reason.  But as humans, we seem to have this need to hurt others because we were hurt.  We say "It will never happen again", and then make the same mistake someone else made to us.  Nit-picking at another persons faults so we have an excuse to do it.  Totally ignore their strengths, and the fact that they are human too, and have probably been hurt as well, and we just added to that pain out of selfishness.  I can see it because I've caught myself starting to do it, and some times done it.  I'm not exempt from it, and neither is anyone else.  I think being mindful if it a step in the right direction.  It is definitely hard to not lash back when attacked, or wronged in some other way, it's almost an instinctual reaction. 
And it stings that much more when you were being nice and just trying to connect with some one, and they not only knife you in  the back, but give a twist to make sure you knew it was there.  And then they make like they are better than you cause they did it.  In that instance, it's understandable to want to lash back, I don't think anyone would dispute that.  But they made their choice, even if it was a bad one.  It's hard, but they made it obvious they aren't worth the energy to try to strike back, they will just do it again.  They will probably remain alone, because they can't see they are their own worst enemy.  They can't see what is happening, all they know is there own pain, and feel the need to judge and attack anyone that gets close.

Another year come and gone.

I turned 35 a couple weeks ago.  It wasn't a bad day.  It was the day after that irritated me.  Some years back, I had thought for sure I would be married by 35.  Oops, I haven't had a date in years, much less a girlfriend.  I can't even have a girlfriend in an online game that people keep pairing off in, I find the one that has hit on every other guy in the guild.  And then she can't understand why I would be ticked off at her.  Is there really that much of a cultural difference that an Arab girl wouldn't understand even a certain loyalty in a game?  Yes, I realize I said game, that doesn't mean you can't practice some of the same principals in there that you do in real life, you are still dealing with people after all.  She gets what she wants from every guy she knows in game, she will still have the same problem that no one will trust her.  Cause and effect still apply in a MMO game.
Anyway, 35, still single, still having difficulty finding someone.  Singles sites are a joke.  If someone is for real (usually aren't), they have requirements that should all be met before they will even talk.  They are into the whole judging-a-book-by-its-cover thing, which most of the time I fail because I'm too short. 
It's difficult to meet new people when you kind of tied to one social, and the guy that has to be in the back of the room, that no one notices unless something happens.  I'm still waiting for someone to help me with church sound so I can take a break and visit some other churches.  Grace Church in Jackson seem to be a decent one, with possibly a singles "Life Group" that meets.  I went to a different meeting on friday, was only about 8-10 people, mostly older than me, but it was some what fun.  I need to get back into resembling a shape again.  Volley ball was not one of my preferred sports growing up, the ball was usually too hard, made my hands go numb when I tried to hit it.

F#$@ stupid people!

Yes, I know I said I was going to try to change things, but that is hard when nothing else changes.
I haven't quite given up on singles sites (I got off one that 99% spam, and I told them so in the 'reason for leaving' field).  I hate really hate having to check out people that show interest, seems like most of the time they use someone else's pictures, and I find this out using google's image search.  Last one I got hit with actually looked pretty nice, a bit far away, but definitely cute, and profile sounded desent, had a fare number of pictures. Turned out to be pictures from a couples blog. At least they didn't use some tame picture of a pornstar or playmate or something, but still, really? Like someone posted on a scam site, "Why do people have to mess with something like love." It's pi$$es me off when people pretend to be someone else, and I'm being real and honest. What do they think is going to happen as people become more aware of these low-lives existence? I report then when I can, tho some sites just don't seem to care about them. But for every one I report, it seems like there are many more to take their place. I sometimes think they make another profile and try to hit me again. Their grammar (or lack of), and the fact they can't seem to respond to what I'm saying, or what my profile says, gives them away. I've had a couple times that I call them out on it, and they just keep sending form letters, or they get insulting, acting like they are still real (when they couldn't answer a couple simple questions that I asked them because something was suspicious).
I feel like I get dumber for trying to give them the benefit of a doubt, and they can't give me intelligent responses, they just keep spamming me with email addresses, saying they can talk better there. Excuse me, the point of a singles site is allowing some anonymity while you are looking, to protect yourself from such people. Why do you think sites tell you not to put contact info in your profile. So lets send an email address first thing, we haven't even talked to find out if we could be a match yet, besides completely ignoring my profile. Freaking stupid. I'm getting too old for this crap for it to work on me, besides being sick of getting lied to and ignored. Really makes me feel like dirt sometimes.  And when I find someone that could be real, the deal breaker is always "I'm looking for someone taller. Good luck..."  I could match everything else they Say they are looking for, but shoot me on something superficial that I can't do anything about.  I wasn't concerned with my height, until it seemed to matter to everyone else, and suddenly made me less human.

Singles site

Well, I am slowly coming to the conclusion that singles sites are a waste of time and energy, at least for me.  If it's not the spammers trying to get me to email them rather than talk on a 100% free site, it's the seemly real women that completely ignore me.  And them putting "christian" in their profile don't make them any better.  The spammers don't read, and often I think a 3rd grader has better grammar than they do (and some claim a college education, what a laugh).  Claim blond hair when the pics are clearly brown or black.  Don't respect that I'm looking for someone in my area  And spam there yahoo email at me like it going out of style.
You know, I might consider talking to a woman from California, if they gave an intelligent message acknowledging what I'm looking for, and just wanted to talk and be online friends.  That would be reasonable, and I would kind of know where we stand.  And who knows, maybe she doesn't like where she is at, and I'd give her a reason to move at some point.  The point is, if she respected me and what I'm looking for, be honest with me, and answer any issues I'd have, I wouldn't be opposed to a long distance relationship.  But most of the time, those kind of relationships don't work out for me because there is always something lacking.  A real person to person connection.  Words on a screen are not a good substitute for being able to look someone in the eyes, hold hands and see what is in the heart.  Ok, that sounded a little sappy, but it doesn't make it any less true.  I need to hear and see someone when I'm talking to them about important matters.  I read their body language about as much as I listen to them.  The old 'actions speak louder than words' phrase.  Long distance relationships don't let me do that.  They usually aren't real anyway.  But I can't meet someone near by either.
Anyway, the spam and fake women are really wearing on me.  I'm about ready to throw in the towel and say I quit.  I don't like it, but, the current state of things is really doing a number on my attitude.  I get to feeling dumber the more I deal with stupid people that are trying to take advantage of others.

Linux

I've talked about Linux before, but it's been a while, and there is always new stuff to be found.  I've messed with linux before, but not seriously until the last few years.  WindowsXP commuting suicide on me (bluescreen, reboot, and it "cleaned up" system files, equals dead windows), pretty much did it for me, it was time to check on linux again.  My dad had Ubuntu for a year or two, so I started there.  Now that the company that puts out ubuntu has decided that they know what I want better than I do (going a more Mac/Android look), and the "need" to upgrade/reinstall every 6 months, I have little use for ubuntu.  A rolling release (install once, just keep updating) is much easier to keep up with, usually less hassle.
I've been listening to an older podcast on my non-ipod mp3 player (Apple doesn't play well with others, besides being too expensive) called LinuxReality (http://linuxreality.com/).  Chess's goal was to help those new to linux, and show it it can do, and he did a pretty good job.  Another podcast I want to get to is GoingLinux (http://goinglinux.com) which is still active, and sounds like it is aimed at a similar crowd, but might get a little more detailed.  There are other linux related podcasts out there, of varying degrees, but these are the ones I'm interested in at the moment.  LinuxReality is a good place to start if you want a more beginners perspective on getting started with linux.
My preferred linux distributions are CrunchBang (Debian based livecd, clean light distro, good for aging computers or laptops), PCLinuxOS (Mandriva based livecd, full desktop and user friendly), and more resently OpenSUSE (so far seems like solid user friendly desktop distro, has livecd's and install dvd's).  Other old favorites are Puppy Linux (livecd, good for old computers), PartedMagic (livecd, more of a toolbox type distro).  I pretty much look for Debian based distros, but the Mandriva based (distant ties to Fedora/Redhat) is pretty good too.
Not really a Linux distro, but Ultimate Boot CD is a very good toolbox type livecd with many hardware utilities.
When I'm looking at distros, I usually go for the LXDE or XFCE desktop environments, as they are lighter on resources than Gnome or KDE.  Gnome is still good, KDE feels too much like windows for my liking (the point is linux is not windows), but some love it.  Linux is all about choices, so more power to them.  Those 4 are most common, but there are others.
Besides desktop use, I've also setup small linux servers at one time or other, partly to see how they work, partly for a purpose I had in mind at the time.  I'm slowly working on trying to setup a file server/network backup at my church, with the idea of having it go out to the windows computers and backup documents through the network.  I'm having some trouble understanding how to setup Samba (software linux uses to talk to windows computers), but it's still interesting.  I also setup a couple of computers running PCLinux only (one in the youth room, and one in the lobby/hallway).  Both computers are a bit dated, but run like champs with linux, and haven't had any issues, I just run an update every now and then, and no one has complained about them, they just work.  I would like to turn the aging computers in the office to linux, but I'm not sure that would fly with certain people.  Maybe when windows blows up, or the computers finally quit.  Maybe OpenSUSE with Xfce, or PCLinux Xfce. Hmm... *considers blowing up windows*  Nah, someday.
Get the impression I dislike windows? lol  Long live Linux. :)

Trying to shift gears

I will admit, my posts are usually not to, happy. Really I'm usually good natured and down to earth. It's just, the few friends I have are not really up to listening to what I'm thinking, and trying to understand where I am coming from. When I've tried, I get some off the wall response that either they thought it was joke, or they didn't understand what I just tried to say. I'm not a "people" person, I'm just not wired that way. So to my logical thinking, if someone can't really LISTEN, and comprehend what I'm saying, then I just wasted my time & energy on something I'm not good at to begin with. So I limit my interaction to such things as the weather, computer talk, etc, and keep to myself about matters of the heart until I find someone that is genuinely interested. The problem is, I still need some way to blow off some steam, and practice trying to explain myself. Yes, I'm a quiet, thoughtful person... but as I once joked with someone, quiet people can snap too. Everyone is different, and we deal with things differently, some times out of necessity. Me, I often feel like I don't get the credit I deserve, and that I'm not appreciated beyond that I can do (my gifts, things I'm good at). Add getting treated like a disease by a woman I might be interested in (repeatedly), spam and fake women, and yeah, my mood does down the drain, along my self-confidence. So yeah, it's hard to pretend everything is great. Just being alive isn't necessarily enough. I'd like to have a reason to live life, and someone to share it with... Just like most everyone else.
So, that is my attempt to explain where I am coming from. If you can't understand it, then, you probably don't belong here. Go find a blog with something that entertains you. I don't entertain strangers much. Try to get to know me, and I might entertain you while I entertain myself. :)

New Years

If it will be a happy new year remains to be seen. I can "wish in one hand, sh!t in the other, and which one fills up first?" Yes, it's kind of a disgusting thought, but it also has a point. I doesn't seem to matter what I wish for, dream about, or would like to see happen. Someone else always seems to get what I want. I'd like to be an optimist, but after getting teased repeatedly with what I wish for, and just getting slapped in the face by some degenerate jack@ss trying to scam me, optimism is one of the first casualties (along with my heart). It gets replaced with realisum, and the temporary wish to beat the crap out of the jerk if I could get my hands one them. I normally don't wish any harm to anyone, but adding insult to my injury for there own means, while I'm being honest and good intentioned... pushing them into an on coming bus sounds like doing the world a favor, and eliminating that stagnant part of the gene pool.
*sigh* Since I can't (and probably wouldn't) doing anything about it, I try to talk some small satisfaction that maybe God will give them what they having coming. Maybe even reward me at some point for putting up with all this BS, and trying to stay true to who I am.
Come on, where is my reward?
I guess I still have some optimism left, it's just very strained.